Discernment Temperament Counseling
Let me start by describing Discernment Counseling. Discernment Counseling is designed for married couples (although it can extend to any committed long-term heterosexual or homosexual love relationship) wherein one partner is ambivalent about the marriage and is thinking about divorce, but is also reluctant to seek couples’ therapy while the other partner is still very invested in making the marriage work. Clearly, this is a couple who is not necessarily seeking marriage counseling nor are they ready to hire an attorney and start divorce proceedings. They are in that middle space as it were where one is leaning OUT of the relationship and the other is still leaning IN.
Discernment Counseling is not about getting a couple back together again nor is it about splitting people apart. It is a process whereby each partner is able to express their needs and concerns about the relationship to the other in a safe and controlled environment. The goal is for the partners to reach clarity together about their relationship and to forge a path forward so that each can achieve their goal in an orderly and civil manner.
“The Goals in Discernment Counseling are greater clarity and confidence about a directions for the marriage (based on a deeper understanding of what’s happened to the marriage) and each persons’s contributions to the problems”
Temperament Counseling can best be described as a process whereby an individual learns about who he or she really is in relation to how they see themselves in the world, and how others in the world view them. More specifically, it gets at a deep-seated person’s needs, wants and expectations. Temperament guides us in our thinking as far as the number and type of social relationships we desire, how we approach intellectual tasks, the extent to which we like to make decisions alone or in collaboration with others, how much we wish to control other’s behaviors and how much we will allow control over our life, how independent or dependent we are on our loved ones as well as how much love we need from others and how much love we give them in return. As you can see, Temperament is far-reaching and covers all aspects of our emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual life.
Many of our referrals come from Attorneys, Clergy, Doctors
and Other Counselors.
When you add Temperament to Discernment Counseling, you are delving into each individual partner’s needs, wants, expectations, fantasies, judgments, turn-offs and triggers as they relate to their marriage. As you can imagine, most people are not consciously aware of these in themselves, let alone in their partner. With work, the couple gets to know themselves on a deeper level and as such they can relate to each other in more meaningful ways. This makes for a process that adds clarity to existing confusion around their relationship.
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
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Who is Discernment Temperament Counseling best suited to?
Couples where one partner wants to leave the marriage or relationship while the other is invested in remaining in it
Couples who are not interested in Couples Therapy but seek greater clarity and confidence in their decision-making about the future of their marriage/relationship.
Couples who know they are headed toward separation and don’t want to spend thousands of dollars on a possible contentious divorce.
Couples who are embroiled in a protracted legal battle that is costing them thousands of dollars with no real resolution or way forward.
What to Expect
There is a clear difference between Discernment Counseling and Couples’ Therapy. Discernment Counseling does not include couple interventions nor experiential enactments during sessions. The real work takes place during one-to-one conversations with each partner.
The Discernment Counseling approach is distinctive from regular Couples’ Counseling in that it can be completed in a shorter period of time. Typically, Discernment couples meet with the Counselor for 1 to 5 sessions, preferably on a weekly basis and, a decision is made at the end of each session whether to meet again. The sessions are structured in the following way: there is a two-hour opening session with follow-up sessions lasting 1.5 hours. Both partner needs to attend every session - this is critical to the process.
As far as session flow is concerned, the first part is spent with the couple and then there are separate conversations with each partner followed by a brief sharing of something learned during the individual time, and then the couple together join the session.
As stated above, Temperament Counseling is the process whereby each partner learns about who they really are and how they see themselves in relation to their marriage as well as how their partner views their needs, wants and expectations. The process is fascinating because it can shed light on the differences between one person’s thoughts and feelings in terms of the relationship and the reality of what the other partner is truly seeing and thinking.
The couple is asked to complete the online Temperament Questionnaire (APS) which takes about 20 minutes. They may also be required to provide information on their family of origin.
In terms of outcome, the couples explores the various options facing them after they gain greater understanding of themselves, their partner and their marriage.
As a result of greater clarity and confidence, some couples on occasion decide that their marriage is still worth salvaging. In such cases, they choose to try Couples’ Temperament Counseling, even Family Temperament Counseling. Other couples might decide on a six-month reconciliation period where both partners put their relationship on top priority status and work to see if they can reconcile their differences. Yet other couples resolve to take the path toward separation and divorce proceedings. The outcome varies depending on the number and gravity of their issues and the extent to which their problems have become entrenched over time.
If you think you could benefit from Discernment Temperament Counseling, schedule an appointment
by calling 571-490-1795 or sending us a message via the “Inquire about this Service” form.